I didn’t go to sleep until 11pm last night, so today I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had a headache, I felt really weird, and I found it was difficult to fall asleep. I decided to just have a lazy day today which kills me because I usually like to be outside or doing something, anything with my day.
I’m waiting for my fiancée to get home from work now. She’s supposed to be bringing home food. Yay! I felt really bad yesterday because she had a mini break to walk to the store I was working at that day to get some supplies for her job. She texted me to ask if I was still there and I was actually leaving the parking lot, but I turned around so I could say hey. We haven’t really spent much time together one on one lately, so she asked me to walk with her. Right before she texted me, I had called my mom to ask her if she wanted to meet for lunch. I said I’d go ahead and order since I’d probably get there first. So, when my fiancée asked me to walk with her, I told her I couldn’t because I’m supposed to be leaving to meet my mom for lunch. She told me to just call and tell her I’d be late, but I said I was really hungry so I ended up leaving. When I got to the restaurant, I ordered the food and ended up waiting for about 5-10 minutes for my mom to show up. I felt so bad because I could’ve walked with her and I should’ve. It was a dick move on my part. I texted her to tell her I was sorry and I’d make it up to her, but I still feel shitty. It’s the little things that lets her know I love her and when I don’t do those things, it doesn’t exactly feel great, I imagine.
Today has just been an off day.
Side note: I don’t like to say fiancée in real life to people because I feel like it’s rubbing in people’s faces. Like in one of those prim and proper British accents, “oh, I’m getting married and you’re not.” I just keep it casual like, “yeah, I have a girlfriend.” Unless it’s a special case when the planets align, hell freezes over, and someone actually hits on me. Then I say I’m engaged. Or if I’m really drunk, or if someone is hitting on her and I’m feeling threatened. I have no problem saying it on here because I don’t feel like a douche since I feel like I’m just talking to myself.
I have pretty bad anxiety. Some of it is reasonable, like 5%, but the rest is complete bullshit. I will start off with the reasonable anxiety. A few months ago, on my lunch break at my old job, I went to renew my car registration and I was wearing a shirt with the name of my job on it. When I walked into the DMV, I noticed that all of the rows of chairs were full except some empty ones that were scattered in the insides of the rows. That meant that I would have to try to scooch by these people, but I worked at a vet, so I know I smelled like a dirty dog that may or may not have shit itself. Being the courteous person I am, I decided to take the seat at the back row on the edge, right next to this guy. When I say right next to him, I mean right next to him. It might’ve been less awkward if I had just sat on his lap since that’s how close we were. Well, right when I sit down, like 3 people get called up and it just so happens that it was in the row ahead of me. I almost got up to move, but I didn’t want to seem like some prick that couldn’t stand being social and sitting next to another human being for more than 5 seconds. Plus, everyone saw where I worked from my shirt, so I didn’t want them to be like, “hey, don’t go to that place because that asshole works there.” Which a normal person would reply, “who in a million years would do that?” I might, that’s who and if I will, someone else will. Anyway, so I’m doing this awkward, weird game of who-can-sit-here-the-longest-before-being-the-asshole-who-moves-to-a-different-seat. Thinking about it now, I honestly don’t think this guy even realized, but my whole day revolved around this moment which lasted maybe 5 minutes. I kept looking at my number hoping it would be called. I got on my phone a few times, but I couldn’t text anyone about how awkward it was since he could read the whole conversation. Finally, his number was called and I could breathe again. Then mine was called and I went about my day. This is just one of the intense, awkward times my anxiety gets the best of me.
When I was a kid, we had to move a few times and when we would get into the new house, I would go around and touch every corner because I thought I’d be the first person to think of doing that.
Anyway, my beautiful fiancée just got home with some food, so I’m going to go hang out with her. Later!