Not much to share today, I think I’m either catching a cold or my allergies are acting up. I’ve had a sore throat and I’ve been sneezing all day. I’m supposed to take allergy medication, but I never could keep up with pills. When I was younger, I was on depression medication and I didn’t remember to take it every day, so sometimes I would get really depressed. It ended up being too much of a hassle and I realized that the pills that were designed to make me feel better, actually made me feel worse. I would have really good days in a row, then I’d have a really bad day. When I say bad, I mean bad. It was as if the bad was sucked out of all my days and injected into one. I ended up quitting them cold turkey. My method was to write down a list of things that I could do alone that brightened my mood. This list is my “Feel Good” list. My biggest problem was relying on talking to other people and when those people weren’t there, I was left in the dark and then I would end up cutting myself. I started when I was 13 and it went on until I was about 16 or 17. I never did it bad enough to kill myself because I always had that thought of my mom, my little sister, or my little brother finding my body and that’s what kept me from going all the way. I’ve thought about running my car off of the road over stupid little shit. One night, I tried to OD on some of my old medication for sleeping, but I ended up waking up. I wrote down how many I took on the bottle just in case anyone found me and needed to know. I was a coward for that, but it didn’t work anyway. I ended up waking up around 4 or 5 in the afternoon and went to run errands with my grandmother like nothing happened. I haven’t done anything like that in years though and looking back on it, I wish I could go back and tell myself its not worth the scars. I guess they remind me of how ridiculous it was for me to mutilate my body over the words of other people. I’ve been called basically every name in the book, which hurt the first time around, but by the second, third, fourth, etc. time, I was used to it and I started to call myself the names before they could. Take away the power, the punchline. I learned the language of the verbal wars and how to fight them.
Anyway, enough of that, I don’t know why or how I got on that topic from allergies. I’ll still post it, because the point of a blog is to be an open book, I suppose. I’m an open book anyway in hopes that my struggles, stupidity, and pain will maybe help someone in the future. I’m not going to say it gets easier, you just get stronger, so it does get better. It just takes time. The stronger you get, the less anything or anyone can touch you. Screw the world, be happy, and above all, love yourself before anyone else. It might just save yours or someone else’s life one day.
I gotta keep it short and sweet because I have to be up by 5am tomorrow, so that’s it for tonight! Toodles! 🙂