4.19.17

*Trigger warning*

Not much to share today, I think I’m either catching a cold or my allergies are acting up. I’ve had a sore throat and I’ve been sneezing all day. I’m supposed to take allergy medication, but I never could keep up with pills. When I was younger, I was on depression medication and I didn’t remember to take it every day, so sometimes I would get really depressed. It ended up being too much of a hassle and I realized that the pills that were designed to make me feel better, actually made me feel worse. I would have really good days in a row, then I’d have a really bad day. When I say bad, I mean bad. It was as if the bad was sucked out of all my days and injected into one. I ended up quitting them cold turkey. My method was to write down a list of things that I could do alone that brightened my mood. This list is my “Feel Good” list. My biggest problem was relying on talking to other people and when those people weren’t there, I was left in the dark and then I would end up cutting myself. I started when I was 13 and it went on until I was about 16 or 17. I never did it bad enough to kill myself because I always had that thought of my mom, my little sister, or my little brother finding my body and that’s what kept me from going all the way. I’ve thought about running my car off of the road over stupid little shit. One night, I tried to OD on some of my old medication for sleeping, but I ended up waking up. I wrote down how many I took on the bottle just in case anyone found me and needed to know. I was a coward for that, but it didn’t work anyway. I ended up waking up around 4 or 5 in the afternoon and went to run errands with my grandmother like nothing happened. I haven’t done anything like that in years though and looking back on it, I wish I could go back and tell myself its not worth the scars. I guess they remind me of how ridiculous it was for me to mutilate my body over the words of other people. I’ve been called basically every name in the book, which hurt the first time around, but by the second, third, fourth, etc. time, I was used to it and I started to call myself the names before they could. Take away the power, the punchline. I learned the language of the verbal wars and how to fight them.

Anyway, enough of that, I don’t know why or how I got on that topic from allergies. I’ll still post it, because the point of a blog is to be an open book, I suppose. I’m an open book anyway in hopes that my struggles, stupidity, and pain will maybe help someone in the future. I’m not going to say it gets easier, you just get stronger, so it does get better. It just takes time. The stronger you get, the less anything or anyone can touch you. Screw the world, be happy, and above all, love yourself before anyone else. It might just save yours or someone else’s life one day.

I gotta keep it short and sweet because I have to be up by 5am tomorrow, so that’s it for tonight! Toodles! 🙂

4.18.17

I didn’t go to sleep until 11pm last night, so today I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had a headache, I felt really weird, and I found it was difficult to fall asleep. I decided to just have a lazy day today which kills me because I usually like to be outside or doing something, anything with my day. 

I’m waiting for my fiancĂ©e to get home from work now. She’s supposed to be bringing home food. Yay! I felt really bad yesterday because she had a mini break to walk to the store I was working at that day to get some supplies for her job. She texted me to ask if I was still there and I was actually leaving the parking lot, but I turned around so I could say hey. We haven’t really spent much time together one on one lately, so she asked me to walk with her. Right before she texted me, I had called my mom to ask her if she wanted to meet for lunch. I said I’d go ahead and order since I’d probably get there first. So, when my fiancĂ©e asked me to walk with her, I told her I couldn’t because I’m supposed to be leaving to meet my mom for lunch. She told me to just call and tell her I’d be late, but I said I was really hungry so I ended up leaving. When I got to the restaurant, I ordered the food and ended up waiting for about 5-10 minutes for my mom to show up. I felt so bad because I could’ve walked with her and I should’ve. It was a dick move on my part. I texted her to tell her I was sorry and I’d make it up to her, but I still feel shitty. It’s the little things that lets her know I love her and when I don’t do those things, it doesn’t exactly feel great, I imagine. 

Today has just been an off day.

Side note: I don’t like to say fiancĂ©e in real life to people because I feel like it’s rubbing in people’s faces. Like in one of those prim and proper British accents, “oh, I’m getting married and you’re not.” I just keep it casual like, “yeah, I have a girlfriend.” Unless it’s a special case when the planets align, hell freezes over, and someone actually hits on me. Then I say I’m engaged. Or if I’m really drunk, or if someone is hitting on her and I’m feeling threatened. I have no problem saying it on here because I don’t feel like a douche since I feel like I’m just talking to myself.

I have pretty bad anxiety. Some of it is reasonable, like 5%, but the rest is complete bullshit. I will start off with the reasonable anxiety. A few months ago, on my lunch break at my old job, I went to renew my car registration and I was wearing a shirt with the name of my job on it. When I walked into the DMV, I noticed that all of the rows of chairs were full except some empty ones that were scattered in the insides of the rows. That meant that I would have to try to scooch by these people, but I worked at a vet, so I know I smelled like a dirty dog that may or may not have shit itself. Being the courteous person I am, I decided to take the seat at the back row on the edge, right next to this guy. When I say right next to him, I mean right next to him. It might’ve been less awkward if I had just sat on his lap since that’s how close we were. Well, right when I sit down, like 3 people get called up and it just so happens that it was in the row ahead of me. I almost got up to move, but I didn’t want to seem like some prick that couldn’t stand being social and sitting next to another human being for more than 5 seconds. Plus, everyone saw where I worked from my shirt, so I didn’t want them to be like, “hey, don’t go to that place because that asshole works there.” Which a normal person would reply, “who in a million years would do that?” I might, that’s who and if I will, someone else will. Anyway, so I’m doing this awkward, weird game of who-can-sit-here-the-longest-before-being-the-asshole-who-moves-to-a-different-seat. Thinking about it now, I honestly don’t think this guy even realized, but my whole day revolved around this moment which lasted maybe 5 minutes. I kept looking at my number hoping it would be called. I got on my phone a few times, but I couldn’t text anyone about how awkward it was since he could read the whole conversation. Finally, his number was called and I could breathe again. Then mine was called and I went about my day. This is just one of the intense, awkward times my anxiety gets the best of me.

When I was a kid, we had to move a few times and when we would get into the new house, I would go around and touch every corner because I thought I’d be the first person to think of doing that.

Anyway, my beautiful fiancĂ©e just got home with some food, so I’m going to go hang out with her. Later!

 4.17.17

“Guess what time you have to work on Monday!” my boss said to me with a huge grin on his face. I countered the enthusiasm with a monotone look that told him I couldn’t care less. “4am!”

This was on Thursday. What a way to start a weekend, looking forward to the longest Monday in history.

No, it actually wasn’t that bad. I woke up at 3am to my rooster singing and then my cats chimed in with the song of their people. My alarm was set for 3:25am, but I woke up anyway and stared at the ceiling wondering which one of my life choices brought me to this point. My cats sat at the end of the bed staring at me as if they stared hard and long enough, food might just appear. I eventually got up, fed them, and got ready to start the day.

My first stop was McDonald’s to get coffee, but when I stopped at the speaker, no one answered. I thought it was a 24hr McDonald’s. I sat there for a minute longer hoping, like my cats, if I stared long enough, I might get food. I scanned the parking lot…no cars. Ugh. Just my luck. Then, it happens. A voice speaks to me and I realize my cats’ method works! The voice mumbles something, but it doesn’t sound like the usual, “welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?” So I sit for a few seconds and then I reply, “wait, what?” The voice speaks again, only this time to deliver disappointment. “We’re cash only right now.” No way! I never carry cash and the pocket change I had in my car, I just deposited in my bank account because it was getting to be too much (a whole $4.03, mostly in quarters). You’ve got to be kidding me. Well, that’s awesome. I say, “nevermind.” And I leave. I sulked almost the whole way to work. “How am I going to stay awake?” I ask myself. I looked around for anything that was open and quick. I pulled into Steak and Shake hoping to fulfill my body’s thirst for caffeine. I look at the menu and decide to get a Redbull and a Frisco Shooter (is that supposed to be capitalized? Actually, I don’t even care at this point.) I wasn’t sure if it was too early for breakfast anyway. It was like in the middle like din-fast. When I pull up to the window, this bold, loud, friendly character pops her head out, handing me my Red bull. She says, “breakfast of champions! Are you trying to stay awake to get home?” And I was like, “no, I’m actually just going into work now.” And she said, “well that’s no fun! What do you do?” So I told her I stocked sunscreen and she said, “oh, yeah! Because we all need sunscreen at 4 o’clock in the morning.” We laughed and talked for a minute and then we got to the part where she turned out to be my friend’s mom. She made me laugh a lot and my dismay for going into work at 4am turned into excitement just by a short conversation. It’s pretty incredible how something so small and seemingly insignificant can not only brighten, but make a person’s day. I wonder how many people I’ve talked to and made their day a little brighter. One thing (I don’t know why…it doesn’t even matter how hard I try [brownie points if you get the reference]) I find myself doing is seeing a person and wanting to give a compliment, but I’m too chicken shit to do it. I psych myself up and then I decide it sounds weird or it’s not worth it.  I hate that and I wish I could just say “screw it” and walk up and compliment them. It’s the stupidest thing and then I think about it all day and wonder what was so hard about just saying, “hey, I like your shoes.” Or, “hey, you look great today!”

Anyway, I worked for 12 hours, then came home and let my chickens out. Here is a picture of my chickens:

From left to right: PeneloPete, Chickira, and Jimmy Tallon.

Pete was Penelopeep then one day he crowed and now he’s PeneloPete. He’s a little shit and he chases the outside cat, Stripes. This is Stripes:

She is bipolar and will let you know when she’s had enough of the petting.

Anyway, so the Easter egg hunt didn’t happen. I can’t remember if I wrote that in my entry or not from yesterday. We ended up going to my grandmother’s house for a little family dinner. It was pretty great!

I don’t have anything else to say right now, so see y’all tomorrow! 🙂

4.16.17

Hoppy Easter, everybunny!! Lame? Let’s roll with it anyway. It’s about 10:45am right now and I was trying to wake up early so I could go get Easter eggs and candy from the store. I was going to do an Easter egg hunt for my fiancĂ©e and her sister because we’re so mature. We’re all too old for it, but she was talking about how her dad used to do it for her and seemed really nostalgic about it. I can’t seem to find the will to get up and buy the supplies, though. I really don’t want to get dressed and have to deal with people. I think I might have social anxiety or something. I was also going to surprise her with some Chick fil a breakfast, but that ends in 12 minutes. Actually, I think I’m just going to get up and go. Be right back!

So, I just rushed over to Chick fil a not even realizing it’s Easter Sunday. My entire topic. Ugh, oh well. I went ahead and got the supplies for the Easter egg hunt. I feel like they’re both going to inhale deeply for a few seconds only to release a quick “no.” I’ve decided my plan B is going to just eat the candy and return the eggs. Or maybe keep the eggs for next year. Maybe I just need a kid. I have so many fun ideas and no one to enjoy them as much as I do!

Anyway, the Adam Sandler show was great! It was his Here Comes the Funny Tour, which I think is actually going to be on Netflix. Maybe I will be in it! Of course, the world’s tallest man was sitting in front of me. My neck hurt after the show from laying on my shoulder so I could see. It was pretty great overall. We were 8 rows back, but I wish we were closer. This drunk chick walked in front of the stage and my fiancĂ©e got super jealous. She’s literally still talking about it as I’m typing right now.

It’s 2:20pm now and I wanted to do the Easter egg hunt at 3pm, but we have so much to do before Easter dinner at my grandmother’s house tonight. It’s probably not going to happen, so I’m pretty bummed about that. I bought these really cute see through eggs that look like chickens. I think we’re going to get into the pool now though. I’m not super bummed because I’m still spending time with my boo. I just realized I meant to pick up some pool noodles at the store and I forgot. Man.

4.15.17

So, this is my first blog post. I’ve been thinking about starting one for years now, but never thought anyone would actually be interested in my life enough to read it. I still don’t think anyone will be. That sounds more depressing than I mean for it to be. It might be one of those pages you find in the middle of the night after clicking on a bunch of random things and wonder how you got here.

Anyway, tonight my fiancĂ©e and I are going to see Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Nick Swardson. I’m super excited, but not as excited as she is. She’s loved Adam Sandler since she was a kid. His movies cheer her up no matter what.

I have so much to say, but I think maybe I should space it out a little to categorize it so this is easier to follow. Maybe I will post some pictures later of the performance. (Performance? Special? Concert?)